the subtle difference

“Humans are fragile.  Mistakes are guaranteed.  Our concentration is always shifting.  There’s no reason, except that this is the natural constitution of the mind.”  Sean Foley (Tiger Woods golf coach)

The difference between winning and losing is small.   The physical skills to master the game are well practiced, the data is analyzed, the numbers studied and it turns out the key factor may be the psychological attitude.   The mind.  The skills may be tweaked to maximize every opportunity but the mind can be the adversary that can’t be conquered by numbers alone.

Small changes in brain patterns can mean the difference between achieving your goal or not.    Think about your attitude when you are trying to do something important.  What  do you notice about your own internal self-talk?    Do you have a sense of excitement or a sense of dread?

Your mental framework does matter.  It matters everyday.   How you start your day and how you finish your day matters.   If you start your day with complaints, irritations (such as slow traffic),  or anxiety you’ll find that your timing if off, your words aren’t clear, your patience low and your tension high.

Find a way to shift the negative postures to positive ones.  Relax, reframe and re-engage in the world.   You’ll find that with a more positive outlook that pains will go away, tension will fade, your smile will be genuine, your word kinder and supportive and your results will be larger.

The subtle difference is in how you think and what you think.   A small change in your psychology can make the difference in the day.   Find time to be grateful in the midst of disappointment.  Find the time to say “Thank-you”.   Find the time to smile.   Find the time to say a kind word.   As you shift your attitude towards the positive so will your day shift to the positive.

Shift your brain patterns so that you are thinking and doing more positive things.   Think about the possibilities.  Think about the opportunities.  Think about making your life better.

Notice what the subtle difference can do for you here:

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
― Ashley Smith

Voices of reason

“As long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, what we have, and what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people and things in their “right” place.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

There is a battle going on in your mind.    It’s the voice of doubt, the voice of fear, the voice of perfectionism, the voice of the victim, the voice of the over-achiever and others.   What voice do you hear when you are ready to make a change in  your life?

The voice you hear wants to stop you and in most cases it does.   It stops dreams, goals,  and desires from being realized.   Just  a small amount of doubt will stop people from doing something big in their life and push them back into mediocrity.    When you challenge yourself, when you want to make a change, what do you hear, experience and feel?

Shirzad Chamine the author of “Positive Intelligence”  labels the voices.  Meet the voice of the saboteur:

1. The  stickler,  looking for perfection

2. The pleaser,  gaining acceptance and affection, a rescuer

3. The hyper-achiever, performance means self-respect, external success driven

4. The victim, inwardly focused, blames others, seeks attention, gives up easily

5. The hyper-rational, data driven, arrogant, without feelings, aloof

6. The hyper-vigilant, anxious, always on guard, doubt filled, suspicious

7. The restless, seeking something better, busyness, rarely at peace, scattered, lacks focus.

8. The controller, desire to take charge and control situations, impatient

9. The avoider,  puts off challenging tasks, passive-aggressive behavior.

Which one do you hear most often?  Which one is the loudest?

Change happens when you are able to quiet the voice of the saboteur and listen to the voice of the sage.

lead from where you are ..

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” – John Quincy Adams

Some people want to lead because they believe they deserve to lead.   Others lead by showing other the way, by having a compelling vision and reason for others to follow.    Leadership is an attitude. Leadership is being confident without being arrogant.

You may have seen those leaders that are using brute force to lead.   The  followers make sure they are going in a different direction when they see the brute force leader.   Leadership by title or position isn’t leadership of itself it takes more and requires more.

People who want to grow into leadership positions must constantly be developing their attitudes, skills and evaluating their own growth.

1. Developing an attitude to lead is in part developing an attitude of humility so that you can serve others in their own development.   People readily engage with those who are willing to help improve their abilities and potential for the future.

2. Honing your personal leadership skills by continual learning and experience.  Moving up in an organization may be improved by showing that you can lead.  This might mean finding organizations or areas that you can demonstrate your leadership.  It might mean volunteering for leadership positions so that you can tune and grow your leadership skills.

3. Reflection and looking back at the lessons learned is something that allows the potential leader to see what can be improved.   The leadership experience is enhanced when the developing leader can recognize areas for improvement and then to take responsibility for making personal change.

How many times have you seen or read about a leader who did not take responsibility for their outcomes.     In recent weeks one recognized leader has not admitted their own failings and is paying the price in losing stature among his followers.   Leadership means taking responsibility for both the good and the bad and owning the outcome.

It is easy for those who aren’t strong leaders to push that responsibility to someone else, to other things. The lesson is this, shape your attitude and take responsibility, continue to grow and develop and to look at the leadership lessons you’ve experienced and change what needs to be changed.
What does your attitude say about your leadership, take a look,

Competence or confidence

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”
― Paulo Coelho

Confidence or competence …

Getting the right job and staying in the right job requires two things, confidence and competence.   Confidence comes from practice and all too often people expect great things without practice.    Practice build competence and competence builds confidence when there is positive feedback, when there is success in the practice.

Take a look at the Olympic athletes they made the Olympic team after hours and hours, weeks and weeks of practice and competition.     Practice builds competence and then confidence follows when the practice is reviewed and evaluated.   Find out what you learned after each practice session.   Find out what worked well and what could be improved.

To build confidence and competence start out with an objective. What is it that you want to get better at? What would allow you to have a better career, a better relationship, a better image of yourself, a better financial situation or a better life. What is it that you are willing to work on so that you can start getting the results you want?

Objective. What will need to change? What new skills will you need? What improvements in the skills that you already have? Identify what it is and then figure out what it will take to move you to the level you desire to be at. If it is losing weight then look at the objective and decide what will get you to the desired weight. Is it eating less? Is it more exercise? Is it having someone hold you accountable to your goals? Or is it someone who is willing to share the experience with you, someone who will cheer you on?

Practice.  This is the doing part of the process. It is the hard work and it takes discipline and effort to get results.  Be patient and be consistent.

Feedback.   After you practice evaluate what you are learning.   Improve what you are practicing by honest fair feedback about the progress you are making.  What small changes can you make to improve the results of your practice.

Competence.  Over time you’ll notice that you are getting better that you are getting small but consistent improvements and moving towards your goal.  You are getting more and more competent.

Confidence.  With competence comes confidence.  Confidence gives a feeling of “I can”.   With more practice it the confidence is bigger than “I can” it is automatic.   It turns into unconscious competence.   You no longer have to think about what you are doing, it is automatic, it is part of your being, the unshakable knowledge that you can do it consistently.

Here’s a talk that helps you see that picture of confidence.  Take a look.

Frustration … dealing with ADHD

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.”  T.F. Hodge

People with ADHD often find that everyday challenges  leave them very frustrated.     “It should be easy” is what they hear and after spending more time than most a person with ADHD can easily find themselves still at the starting line.   It isn’t just a one-time event it seems that everything takes longer, even simple things and that leads to frustration.    Frustration leads to anger and for some it leads into depression.

How does someone with ADHD transform the negative experience of delayed success into something that doesn’t lead to frustration?    In your mind you may be thinking this should only take a few minutes to do and then an hour passes by and the desired outcome isn’t close to being realized.     When you were thinking about the result how much time did you think the task would take?   What are the steps you have to take to achieve the result you want?    For each of those steps how long does it take an expert to complete those tasks and how long does it take a novice to complete those tasks?    How many times have you completed those same tasks?

What leads to frustration is an unrealistic expectation on how long it will take to get something done.   For someone with ADHD executive memory function isn’t what it is for most people and it means adjusting the time it takes to complete a task until it becomes routine.    Repetition of the same task or similar task is going to result in improved outcomes.   Over time there will be improvements in how long it takes to accomplish the same time of work.

Here is a simple five step process to reduce frustration:

1. Identify – Is this something you have done before or is it something new.

2. Analyze – what needs to take place to get the right result.   Break it down.  Do I understand clearly what it is that I need to do.

3. Plan – create a step by step plan, an outline and estimate the time it will take to do each step.   How close is the plan you have now to what you thought it would be.

4. Execute – go do it.  Often people with ADHD wait, and then wait some more waiting for the energy level to increase so that something happens.   Take action, get a result.

5.  Reflect – what worked, what needs to be adjusted, what can success can you celebrate?

Frustration occurs when the expected outcome for any task or activity exceeds what you believe should be true.    The gap between what actually happened and your version of the truth leads to thoughts of failure.    Thoughts of failure amplify the internal messaging that are negative.   “I am not good enough”, and repeated often subconsciously or consciously leads to a build up of negative hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) and those are toxins that the body has to process.    The body wants to run away from the threat but when there isn’t something to run away from  that energy has to dissipate in some fashion and it turns into frustration and anger.

Dr. Orloff suggests practicing in dealing with frustration through being patient:

Would that be something you’d be willing to try? What do you think would happen?

confidence

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”   Eleanor Roosevelt

What is confidence?   It is the ability to match expectations with actual results.   If we expect with certainty that we can do something and than aren’t able to achieve that result then feedback to self is negative.   If we can do something like tie a shoe with success we become more confident that we can be achieve a result and that positive feedback reinforces our confidence.

Confidence can be increased:

1. Mastery – practicing until you have developed a demonstrated proficiency in the area you want to improve in.

2.  Contribute to the success of others – help someone else develop their skills and in most cases your skill will increase as well.

3. Encouragement – getting positive feedback from someone who has skills in the  area you want to improve.   Using positive affirmations to help bolster your belief that you can do better are useful as well.   The children’s program Bob the Builder says,  ”Can we build it? Yes we can!” Can we ChaCha? Yes we can!

4. Imagery – imagine what the completed result will look like.   This is something that sports figures use to create a positive outcome by first doing the routine in the mind before actually doing the event.   Gymnasts walk-thru their routine mentally imagining each move being perfectly executed.

5. Transferral – transform fear into excitement.   The brain doesn’t interpret the difference between fear and excitement in terms of experience.   The fear sensation is the same as high excitement and people think they are experiencing fear when what they are feeling is excited.   A person who is about to speak before a large group says they are fearful and often it is excitement that they feel.

6. Physical management – manage the tension in your muscles and relax rather than get more tense as you are about to do something new.   Confidence comes with repeated success and with that people can relax.   Performing in big events, sports, appearing in front of large audiences can for the first time create physical sensations that decrease performance.  Practice the mental imagery of success to bring down the tension of that big performance.

Confidence is often tested in big events, like Mountain Biking downhill at high speeds.   The skill it takes to go full on and full-out on technically difficult courses requires a high degree of confidence.

Would you be willing to try a high-speed descent on two wheels?

Grow

“Don’t go through life, grow through life.”  Eric Butterworth

When did you stop growing?   How many books do you read a year?   How many educational events do you attend each year?   What are you doing to grow your personal brand?

For many people just getting through the day is enough, never mind adding more to it, more to do, more to learn, it is just too much for some.    In the world we live in today, just relying on what you know today isn’t going to be enough to allow you to compete in a fast changing economic and social structure.   Change is happening faster than ever before and for some people it is just too much.

How do you start on a journey of growth?   Perhaps you can start by doing something just for a few days, like 30.

What does it take to GROW?

1. Understand what you want?   Have a Goal.

2. Assess your current situation, understand your Reality.

3. Look at your Options.   What is available to you?  Or, what could you do?

4. Make a commitment, what Will you do?

Maybe you’re not the kind of person who likes to set 30 day goals and just trying something for 30 days.   If there is something you want to do  then start now.   Do it for 7 days and see how it feels and then do it for another 7 days.

For example.  Read a book.   Find a book you’d like to read.  Turn off the TV, and read for 7 days straight.   Read a little, read a lot.   Just find time to read each day.   Your imagination will be strengthened, your time will be invested rather than used up.

Turn off the News.   What have you found on the news that helps you to live a better life.   If you are like most people all you heard was that there were all kinds of problems happening in your part of the world.   The news wants to create the illusion that the world is a bad place to be.   Turn off the news and take the time to learn something new, or do something new.   Perhaps take up a hobby,  and create something.   Write a letter to a friend that you haven’t written to in a while.   Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t talked to recently.  Use the time to connect to people rather than “listening” to what has happened.

What do you think?

Are you willing to GROW?   What is your GROWth plans for the next 30 days?

“No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it.”   Richard Bach

be

“We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.”  Thomas Merton

Much of what we are is a reflection of what we do.   Doing doesn’t leave much time for creating something new.     For so much of our lives we are focused on generating what we believe to be an image of success.  Our identity is wrapped up in what we do not in who we are.    It is easy to hide in your identity of the past or your  identity of the future.    Our identify becomes a habit, a habit we support with the accolades of those we impress.

Og Mandino writes, “the point is to learn to find  those things that let your feel exhilarated and alive”.    The point is at some place in our life we stopped taking risks, stopped putting in that extra effort and stopped living.    Stepping outside of habit requires us to:

1. Be creative

2. Be concerned

3. Be courageous

4. Be caring

5. Be alive

6. Be passionate

7. Be enthusiastic

Define your identity in terms of your “being”.   What would your identity be?   Choose the words that state boldly who you are.   Leave the words “hope” and “if” by the wayside and choose powerful words that describe who you will be and who you are.

Don’t ask permission to “be”, just start being.

“I believe life is to be lived, not worked, enjoyed, not agonized, loved, not hated.” Leland Bartlett

triangle

“Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now. “
Denis Waitley

“Learn from the past” …. wisdom

“detailed goals for the future” … intention

“live in the moment” … action

Use the past to learn, understand and grow.  Let the past be the soil for growth.   Use the future to dream, to  hope,  to plan and to aspire to.   Let the future be the energy for success.   Use the present to gain strength, confidence and a sure footing.   Let the present be the moment you act.

So often the past is only filled with regret and anger.   Take a few minutes and listen to the words others speak.   What are they really saying?   What are you hearing, listen closely and don’t speak, just listen.    What do you hear?   “If I”, “I could have …”, “I should have …. “, “I would have …”, those are the words of dreams that were put in a box and never allowed to live.    The words “if”, “could”, “should”, “would” leave a person powerless to change the present to live in a better future.

The future is filled with hope, with dreams and with desire.   The future is also filled with unkempt promises and commitment.    The future is a place called “tomorrow” and while it holds the dreams of every man it also holds captive the action required to make those dreams alive.

Now, this very moment,  is a time for action.   It is a place where dreams unfold and color takes the place of black and white.   It is a place where magic can happen if action is taken.   Now is a point in time where dreams unfold and become real.    The present is a time of movement, a time of choice, and a time of responsibility, it is a place where a person isn’t held captive.

What are you doing now to pursue your dreams and goals?   If you are holding on to the pain of the past you aren’t growing.   If you are tied to the  hope of the future you aren’t moving.     Only in the present can we adjust the sails of the ship.  Only in the present can we experience the wind in our face.  Only in the present can we take steps to live the life we want to live.

What are you doing right now, right now, to live the life you desire to live?   What choices are you making that will allow you to live that life you hold captive in your dreams?    What is stopping you if you aren’t taking the steps that lead you closer to living a full life?

resilience …

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot… and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that’s precisely why I succeed.”  Michael Jordan

Top performers have learned something that many potential top performers haven’t learned yet.   They know how to bounce back from disappointment, loss and great challenges.

Resilience is the propensity to bounce back from a fall.    As a ball contacts a surface it compresses and that stored energy rebounds and causes the ball to bounce back.    When we fail or make a mistake we also need to find a way to bounce back.    Resilience is the story of winners not whiners.   Winners find a way to come back and finish strong.

Those who have found a way to bounce back.   When Jack Canfield got rejected time and time again before getting his “Chicken soup for the soul” published he could have let the first rejection stop but he didn’t he kept pressing ahead not after 1 or 2 or after 50 but closer to 100 rejections before a publisher printed his book.

Fred Smith could have turned thrown his dream into the wastepaper basket after his professor gave him a “C”on his idea for Federal Express.   SouthWest Airlines could have folded before it started if it weren’t for the resilience of Herb Kelleher.

Winners find a way to bounce back and achieve their goals.   When they do they have success stories that can be told and used in case studies about business success.   When Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with cancer he didn’t let the cancer define him, he used it as a stepping stone for greater success.   He bounced back.

How are you at bouncing back?    Do you feel like a setback is a reason to quit?   Do you feel like you aren’t good enough and you’re not the right person to take up the challenge?

People who are resilient take charge of their life rather than letting the circumstance take charge of their life.    If you are having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, or a bad year, step back and assess your situation.  Are you taking charge or are you letting the circumstance dictate your next step?

If you’re ready to make a change and become resilient and you don’t know how … contact a coach, work with someone and become a resilient person.