Monthly Archives: February 2011

angry … out of control … what do you do?

Anger is a method of control.   When people feel powerless to achieve a desired outcome they can become angry.

Anger is a habit.  It is addictive in the sense that the body produces stress hormones.    The body overtime craves the additional stress hormones, even though they are destructive.   Adrenaline is a hormone with very powerful effects on the body.   Adrenaline can last for days or weeks in the system.   There are others like cortisol which are released quickly and tend to dissipate more quickly in the body.  

     – Hormonal anger creates negative behaviors.   

     – Hormonal anger reduces the body’s ability to resist illness.

     –  Anger can result in significant blood pressure change, bone loss, severe headaches, and other stress induced illness.

 Anger is a method of control.   People use anger because they learned it as a way to deal with issues.  In some cases that anger has been destructive (physical force) and in others it is destructive in “emotional” force.  In either case anger is used as a weapon to gain control when control feels like it is being lost.

 Anger becomes addictive.  People once they are flooded with stress hormones find they want more, not intentionally but subconsciously more of the physiological tricks the body plays.   That is anger persists as a method for dealing with any issue.   Anger can take control of a person’s life.  

 What does it take to get back to “normal”?

 1.  Realization – there comes a point that the anger victim realizes that anger is not supporting them or others.  

2.  Understanding – after you know that anger is destructive is creating a plan to manage anger or change the “habit”.

3.  Action plan – interrupting anger before it controls the situation (becomes destructive for everyone)

4.  Management – anger just doesn’t go away it needs constant attention – practice to create long term desired results.

What do you do?

1.  Stop:  recognize the event, the stress.    Write it down.   What is triggering the event.

2.  Shift: move the thought from the subconscious region to the conscious region of the brain – make yourself aware.  Respond, is it a “threat”?  What is it then?    What choice do I want to make?  

3.  Reframe – Find a neutral territory for your thoughts by creating a positive thought – return to a positive experience.

4.  Respond – give yourself time to defuse the emotions and respond

Notice what happens when you take time to rehearse the steps above.

  1. Bring back a painful event (anger induced)

  2. Notice your thoughts, feel the sensations the body is producing

  3. Shift back to calmness, what did you tell yourself?   What returned you to calmness?

  4. Emotion check, which feeling is more supportive and desirable for you?

When people get angry they are trying to get control of something they believe they don’t have control over.   Anger provides the illusion of control but repeated time after time becomes ineffective (may cause rage) or becomes destructive (the result becomes too negative – relationships undergo too much stress and fail).

Facing chronic anger

When you come face-to-face with chronic anger what do you do?

1. Stay calm in the midst of the storm (easier said than done).

2. It is not about you, it is about the other persons need for control.  

3. Reframe and respond (calm response … may diffuse, but also may provoke – the anger is intended to provoke the “see I am right … I am right”.  
    Here you are dealing with issues of negative self-esteem and anger as a method to control others. The thought is “How else can I get my way, compromise no way that would make me feel even worse.”

4. Acknowledge the feelings, “it is understandable that you’d be angry … this issue is important to you.”

5. Move to neutral ground.  What would take the emotion out?  
    How can this argument be moved to neutral ground?    Where is neutral ground?  

    Intervene by saying, “I would like to take this to neutral ground.  What would neutral ground look like to you?” Neutral ground is the place where there is no right or wrong, and no judgment.   What is neutral ground should be agreed upon prior to getting provoked in an argument.

What can you do to manage your anger?

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moving on …

“It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal. ”  Helen Keller
What stands in your way of defining the success you desire?  
 
What stops you from moving on?
 
People, many people are stuck somewhere in their life.   Stuck with a job they don’t like.  Stuck in a relationship that isn’t working for them or stuck because they aren’t in a relationship at all.   Stuck because they can’t make enough money to do the things they would like or to make enough to give them a sense of security.  
Then there are others who appear to have it all.   They have the big home, the big paycheck, and the relationship that looks wonderful.   From the outside it looks like their life is a life of dreams and yet when you look inside there is worry, fear and doubt, the inability to move forward.
 
Much of the dissatisfaction in life appears to arise from the fact that there is no defined mission, purpose and vision for life.   For many people happiness was defined in chasing a goal, any goal, in the hope that once that goal was reached life would be “happier”.  
 
For what reason do you do what you do?   What compells you to move forward or not?   
 
Dean Ornish a famous cardiologists wrote, “The real epidemic in our culture  is not only physical heart disease, but also what I call emotional and spiritual heart disease – that is the profound feeling of lonliness in our culture with the breakdown of social structures that used to provide  us with a sense of connection and community.  It is, to me a root of the illness, cynicism, and violence in our society.”  
 
The notion that society is decaying in some measure can be found in the fact that more and more people are dissatisfied with their lives and that they feel like they can’t move on to a better future.   For some, perhaps many, there is this idea that life is a trap and once you get in you can’t get out.    How do you move on?
 

ready to move

“A musician must make his music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself.”  Abraham Maslow

Are you ready to walk?

The US economy is limping along and yet according to CNN over 80% of people want to leave their jobs and find something better.   In some cases people are just quitting their jobs even without a new job to go to because they can no longer tolerate the conditions or the job itself.  

Many people are disappointed with the jobs they are in.  People are discouraged and they are tired of working at jobs that just don’t seem to matter to them.     Once the tide turns and people decide enough is enough employers will be hard pressed to keep their staff.   Leaders will be challenged with a large rush of people exciting and a new wave of people trying to come on board.    There is a large cost of losing an employee and a larger cost of training someone new to take that position and become fully productive.   Employers are on the verge of creating lose/lose situations if something doesn’t change soon.

One way to stem the tide of employee turnover is to actively engage employees to understand their needs in a non-confrontational manner.  Managers and leaders will have to “listen” and acknowledge some their employees concerns in way that doesn’t threaten or demean the employee who is willing to share their issues.

What happens when companies lose their best employees?   What happens is that others in the company see who is leaving and if the best are leaving that means the door is open for others to follow.   

When some companies used the economy to drive employees to higher and higher levels of productivy and stress knowing that for most people there was no other option, people are now seeing that the stress of compliance may not be worth it.  

The younger generation is less likely to tolerate untenable work situations and would simply quit the position rather than working for an organization that doesn’t support their personal development goals or career goals.  

Perhaps 2011 will be the year for large numbers of people to transition into new careers.

committed intention …

“Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen.” -Peter Marshall

What are you holding back on?  What would you do if you knew you could live a happier and more enjoyable life?   What would you be doing differently if you knew you could succeed at achieving your dreams?

People everywhere stop themselves from moving forward in their lives because they don’t believe they could make their life better in a tangible way.   Many people feel like they would end up in a worse place than they are now.   They are trapped by fear.

Fear holds people back from taking the first step.   It might be like that first dance.   The sweaty palms, the nervous language, the fear of ____________.   And what was the real result.   What really happened?   In a few moments that answer was given and it was either conscious movement or unconscious movement that took place.   The worst that could have happened was a “no”.  It wasn’t a rejection of you it was more likely something else that was going on in the other person.  

Doc Chidre writes “It’s easy to get inspired by insight but not have enough committed intent to act on it.”    The feeling of inspiration is great to have until you have to act and then the courage melts away and it is like asking that person to dance, “inspired”, but not committed to act upon that inspiration.  

Many people have great ideas about what they would like to have happen in their life.   They are the dreamers, constantly aching for a future they would love to have but unable to overcome the inertia of fear that has taken over their life.

What part of your life have you put on hold?   What dreams are you holding onto that you can’t seem to act on?    What would it be like to live those dreams?

“The starting point of great success and achievement has always been the same. It is for you to dream big dreams. There is nothing more important, and nothing that works faster than for you to cast off your own limitations than for you to begin dreaming and fantasizing about the wonderful things that you can become, have, and do.” Brian Tracy 

the failure myth

“There is no failure.  Only feedback.”  Robert Allen

What is failure?   Is there such a thing?   There can be failures of different types, of things crafted by men, or systems designed and built by men, but is there such a thing as a failed human being?

The dictionary defines failure as, “something that is proven non-successful” or  “not reaching a standard as in failing a test”.    It an attempt at achieving a certain result that wasn’t met that often defines failure.   In many cases the lack of the desired result is turned into meaning that the person who attempted to met a goal and was denied is a failure.   Failing to reach an objective may be a case of setting the wrong goal or establishing the incorrect measure.

In many cases it is not failure but the disappointment of reaching the intended outcome that is more damaging to the individual.   Repeated disappointments lower the individuals self-esteem and show up in their attitudes or approaches to problems in the future.  

What do you think about failure?

Fill out this sentence with your thoughts:

Failure happens when __________________________.

I feel like a failure when _________________________.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize
how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Thomas Edison

be confident

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.” Marie Curie

What is confidence?
 
Confidence is the ability to believe in our strengths and talents.   That’s basically all there is to it.   The ability to believe in yourself as you are.   Often people believe that they should be like someone else, maybe the executive, or the person “who has it all together” or “the rich one”, or “the famous one”, or anyone but me.  
 
Confidence what is it?   What are you confident about?   Some poeple are confident that bad things will happen to them and because that is what they expect it happens.   Maybe you know some people like that.  People who create problems for themselves.
What does it take to get confidence?   It takes a desire to change.   It takes a desire to start to believe in the gifts and talents you already have.  
 
Syndey Harris writes, “Ninety percent of the world’s woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailities, and even their real virtues.   Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves.”
 
What would happen if you knew yourself, not as you think you are but as you really are?  
 
Here’s a quick quiz you can take.  
 
How would you rate your success?  0 = Very Low,  10  = Very high
How would you rate your optimism?   0 = Very Low, 10  = Very high
How would you rate your purpose?   0 = Very Low, 10 = Very high
How would you rate your gratefulness?  0 = Very Low , 10 = Very high
How would you rate your health?  0 = Very Low , 10 = Very high
 
Now replace, “How would your rate your …”, with “I am”.
And read it out loud,  what did you feel or think?
What would you like to think?
 
What would it be like for you to be confident in you?
What would it take to make the changes you really desire?
 

coaching for me?

“What makes a good coach? Complete dedication. ”   George Halas

What is “life coaching?”    Really, “what is it?”

A lot of people wonder what “life coaching” is and all about.   It seems that “life coaching” or “coaching” outside of sports is growing in interest quickly.

What is “life coaching”?   Let’s first look at what coaching is and isn’t.  Coaching is a process that works with people who want to advance in some aspect of their life.   With all the pressures people face today coaching is becoming a great path to find ways to work in our complex world.   Coaching is not therapy or counseling or mentoring or advising.   In other  words a coach supports the goals and wisdom of the client and through the use of various tools a coach works with the client to realize their goals.

Who is coaching for?   Coaching is for anyone who desires to do better in some aspect of their life.   People who obtain the services of a coach are motivated to change and if they aren’t then coaching isn’t the best thing for them.   Coaching is for people who want to perform better, much better in life, in personal development, relationships, finance, spirituality, and more.   

In the past coaching was reserved for those in top executive positions or for athletes who wanted to hone their skills to a higher level.   In other words  the superstars of society were out getting coaching and improving their results and in large ways.    Now with coaching being regarded as a way to increase performance of not just the top executives and athletes, but of anyone who desires to make a positive difference in their life.

Most people realize that we are in the midst of a huge economic upheaval and society has been battered by huge winds of change.   Globalization allows companies to hire people from anywhere on the planet and in many cases for a lot less than they had to pay for American workers.    Job markets that were once secure on American soil have moved, and manufacturing has moved to countries were labor is much cheaper.    Now we live in a 24×7 world where technology changes faster and faster, jobs become obsolete faster and faster and the pressures of life increasingly add  more tension, anxiety and fear to an exhausted country.     Time rushes by and it leaves people feeling empty at the end of the day.

The compound effect of change is something people need to deal now more than ever, the pace of change is continually creeping higher and higher.   People need a way to manage change, set new goals and find out what will work for them so they can participate effectively in life.   Coaching is a great way of allowing people to manage change efficiently and to see new possibilities for their future.  

Coaching doesn’t take a long time, has proven results and is very affordable.  Most of the coaching process will be completed in 12 sessions.  That means that in 3 months people learn the skills that can shift their personal life to new levels of  success.    For some coaching is done for longer periods of time because they desire and welcome the accountability, the non-judgmental environment and that they can be challenged to reach higher levels of success for themselves.

What do you look for in a coach?   If you are serious about seeking out a coach find out if the coach has been trained.     Coaching is a profession and the vast majority or people should have some formal coaching education before stating they are a “coach”.   Coaches, serious coaches, all have coaches or multiple coaches so that they can push their own boundaries and limits.    Some coaches meet with their coach daily, even if it is just for 15 minutes, just because coaching is that powerful and useful.  That is why the best of the best use coaches to improve their results.

People who want to become a coach should find out if coaching is what they really want to do and then if that is what would fit them best they should find a top-notch coaching school and enroll in the program.    Find out more about coaching at International Coaching Federation, the body of coaching standards.

Want more information?   What to ask some questions in private?   Send me an email at coachwithheart@gmail.com and I’d be glad to answer your questions about coaching.   Typically a coaching program lasts about 12 weeks.  Some people just want a month or so of coaching just to solve an immediate issue and that works as well.

Coaching is great way to find ways to manage stress, anger, disappointment, achieve new goals, find a better career, work on relationships and of course it is great for businesses who want increase results.   Coaching works, find out for yourself.

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”   Maureen Dowd