Category Archives: confidence

rejected again

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.” Henri J.M. Nouwen

The answer is “No!” and  you’ve heard this several times in the past week and you believe that it isn’t the question, it is you that is being turned down.  “No” can feel like rejection if it is heard enough times.   Is that true? Is it true that a response to your request that is not favorable to you is a rejection of  you?

Often people find that when there request is denied that it feels like they are being rejected.  The wonderful idea that was rejected was a compilation of many hours of work, and how dare someone say “No” to the idea, project or design.  It just can’t be right, turns into I am not right. What is rejection?   Is it saying “No” or is it saying something else?

There are many people who fail to achieve their best because they feel they will be rejected.  So instead of living fully, they live a life or regret.

Wouldn’t it be better to find out if you could create the life of your dreams?   Wouldn’t it feel better to try and see what could be done?

Believe in “who” you are and accept a “No” with thanks.

the subtle difference

“Humans are fragile.  Mistakes are guaranteed.  Our concentration is always shifting.  There’s no reason, except that this is the natural constitution of the mind.”  Sean Foley (Tiger Woods golf coach)

Tiger Woods

The difference between winning and losing is small.   The physical skills to master the game are well practiced, the data is analyzed, the numbers studied and it turns out the key factor may be the psychological attitude.   The mind.  The skills may be tweaked to maximize every opportunity but the mind can be the adversary that can’t be conquered by numbers alone.

Small changes in brain patterns can mean the difference between achieving your goal or not.    Think about your attitude when you are trying to do something important.  What  do you notice about your own internal self-talk?    Do you have a sense of excitement or a sense of dread?

Your mental framework does matter.  It matters everyday.   How you start your day and how you finish your day matters.   If you start your day with complaints, irritations (such as slow traffic),  or anxiety you’ll find that your timing if off, your words aren’t clear, your patience low and your tension high.

Find a way to shift the negative postures to positive ones.  Relax, reframe and re-engage in the world.   You’ll find that with a more positive outlook that pains will go away, tension will fade, your smile will be genuine, your word kinder and supportive and your results will be larger.

The subtle difference is in how you think and what you think.   A small change in your psychology can make the difference in the day.   Find time to be grateful in the midst of disappointment.  Find the time to say “Thank-you”.   Find the time to smile.   Find the time to say a kind word.   As you shift your attitude towards the positive so will your day shift to the positive.

Shift your brain patterns so that you are thinking and doing more positive things.   Think about the possibilities.  Think about the opportunities.  Think about making your life better.

Notice what the subtle difference can do for you here:

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
― Ashley Smith

Voices of reason

“As long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, what we have, and what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people and things in their “right” place.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

SONY DSC

There is a battle going on in your mind.    It’s the voice of doubt, the voice of fear, the voice of perfectionism, the voice of the victim, the voice of the over-achiever and others.   What voice do you hear when you are ready to make a change in  your life?

The voice you hear wants to stop you and in most cases it does.   It stops dreams, goals,  and desires from being realized.   Just  a small amount of doubt will stop people from doing something big in their life and push them back into mediocrity.    When you challenge yourself, when you want to make a change, what do you hear, experience and feel?

Shirzad Chamine the author of “Positive Intelligence”  labels the voices.  Meet the voice of the saboteur:

1. The  stickler,  looking for perfection

2. The pleaser,  gaining acceptance and affection, a rescuer

3. The hyper-achiever, performance means self-respect, external success driven

4. The victim, inwardly focused, blames others, seeks attention, gives up easily

5. The hyper-rational, data driven, arrogant, without feelings, aloof

6. The hyper-vigilant, anxious, always on guard, doubt filled, suspicious

7. The restless, seeking something better, busyness, rarely at peace, scattered, lacks focus.

8. The controller, desire to take charge and control situations, impatient

9. The avoider,  puts off challenging tasks, passive-aggressive behavior.

Which one do you hear most often?  Which one is the loudest?

Change happens when you are able to quiet the voice of the saboteur and listen to the voice of the sage.

lead from where you are ..

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” – John Quincy Adams

Some people want to lead because they believe they deserve to lead.   Others lead by showing other the way, by having a compelling vision and reason for others to follow.    Leadership is an attitude. Leadership is being confident without being arrogant.

You may have seen those leaders that are using brute force to lead.   The  followers make sure they are going in a different direction when they see the brute force leader.   Leadership by title or position isn’t leadership of itself it takes more and requires more.

People who want to grow into leadership positions must constantly be developing their attitudes, skills and evaluating their own growth.

1. Developing an attitude to lead is in part developing an attitude of humility so that you can serve others in their own development.   People readily engage with those who are willing to help improve their abilities and potential for the future.

2. Honing your personal leadership skills by continual learning and experience.  Moving up in an organization may be improved by showing that you can lead.  This might mean finding organizations or areas that you can demonstrate your leadership.  It might mean volunteering for leadership positions so that you can tune and grow your leadership skills.

3. Reflection and looking back at the lessons learned is something that allows the potential leader to see what can be improved.   The leadership experience is enhanced when the developing leader can recognize areas for improvement and then to take responsibility for making personal change.

How many times have you seen or read about a leader who did not take responsibility for their outcomes.     In recent weeks one recognized leader has not admitted their own failings and is paying the price in losing stature among his followers.   Leadership means taking responsibility for both the good and the bad and owning the outcome.

It is easy for those who aren’t strong leaders to push that responsibility to someone else, to other things. The lesson is this, shape your attitude and take responsibility, continue to grow and develop and to look at the leadership lessons you’ve experienced and change what needs to be changed.
What does your attitude say about your leadership, take a look,

Competence or confidence

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”
― Paulo Coelho

Confidence or competence …

Getting the right job and staying in the right job requires two things, confidence and competence.   Confidence comes from practice and all too often people expect great things without practice.    Practice build competence and competence builds confidence when there is positive feedback, when there is success in the practice.

Take a look at the Olympic athletes they made the Olympic team after hours and hours, weeks and weeks of practice and competition.     Practice builds competence and then confidence follows when the practice is reviewed and evaluated.   Find out what you learned after each practice session.   Find out what worked well and what could be improved.

To build confidence and competence start out with an objective. What is it that you want to get better at? What would allow you to have a better career, a better relationship, a better image of yourself, a better financial situation or a better life. What is it that you are willing to work on so that you can start getting the results you want?

Objective. What will need to change? What new skills will you need? What improvements in the skills that you already have? Identify what it is and then figure out what it will take to move you to the level you desire to be at. If it is losing weight then look at the objective and decide what will get you to the desired weight. Is it eating less? Is it more exercise? Is it having someone hold you accountable to your goals? Or is it someone who is willing to share the experience with you, someone who will cheer you on?

Practice.  This is the doing part of the process. It is the hard work and it takes discipline and effort to get results.  Be patient and be consistent.

Feedback.   After you practice evaluate what you are learning.   Improve what you are practicing by honest fair feedback about the progress you are making.  What small changes can you make to improve the results of your practice.

Competence.  Over time you’ll notice that you are getting better that you are getting small but consistent improvements and moving towards your goal.  You are getting more and more competent.

Confidence.  With competence comes confidence.  Confidence gives a feeling of “I can”.   With more practice it the confidence is bigger than “I can” it is automatic.   It turns into unconscious competence.   You no longer have to think about what you are doing, it is automatic, it is part of your being, the unshakable knowledge that you can do it consistently.

Here’s a talk that helps you see that picture of confidence.  Take a look.

Frustration … dealing with ADHD

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.”  T.F. Hodge

People with ADHD often find that everyday challenges  leave them very frustrated.     “It should be easy” is what they hear and after spending more time than most a person with ADHD can easily find themselves still at the starting line.   It isn’t just a one-time event it seems that everything takes longer, even simple things and that leads to frustration.    Frustration leads to anger and for some it leads into depression.

How does someone with ADHD transform the negative experience of delayed success into something that doesn’t lead to frustration?    In your mind you may be thinking this should only take a few minutes to do and then an hour passes by and the desired outcome isn’t close to being realized.     When you were thinking about the result how much time did you think the task would take?   What are the steps you have to take to achieve the result you want?    For each of those steps how long does it take an expert to complete those tasks and how long does it take a novice to complete those tasks?    How many times have you completed those same tasks?

What leads to frustration is an unrealistic expectation on how long it will take to get something done.   For someone with ADHD executive memory function isn’t what it is for most people and it means adjusting the time it takes to complete a task until it becomes routine.    Repetition of the same task or similar task is going to result in improved outcomes.   Over time there will be improvements in how long it takes to accomplish the same time of work.

Here is a simple five step process to reduce frustration:

1. Identify – Is this something you have done before or is it something new.

2. Analyze – what needs to take place to get the right result.   Break it down.  Do I understand clearly what it is that I need to do.

3. Plan – create a step by step plan, an outline and estimate the time it will take to do each step.   How close is the plan you have now to what you thought it would be.

4. Execute – go do it.  Often people with ADHD wait, and then wait some more waiting for the energy level to increase so that something happens.   Take action, get a result.

5.  Reflect – what worked, what needs to be adjusted, what can success can you celebrate?

Frustration occurs when the expected outcome for any task or activity exceeds what you believe should be true.    The gap between what actually happened and your version of the truth leads to thoughts of failure.    Thoughts of failure amplify the internal messaging that are negative.   “I am not good enough”, and repeated often subconsciously or consciously leads to a build up of negative hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) and those are toxins that the body has to process.    The body wants to run away from the threat but when there isn’t something to run away from  that energy has to dissipate in some fashion and it turns into frustration and anger.

Dr. Orloff suggests practicing in dealing with frustration through being patient:

Would that be something you’d be willing to try? What do you think would happen?

confidence

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”   Eleanor Roosevelt

What is confidence?   It is the ability to match expectations with actual results.   If we expect with certainty that we can do something and than aren’t able to achieve that result then feedback to self is negative.   If we can do something like tie a shoe with success we become more confident that we can be achieve a result and that positive feedback reinforces our confidence.

Confidence can be increased:

1. Mastery – practicing until you have developed a demonstrated proficiency in the area you want to improve in.

2.  Contribute to the success of others – help someone else develop their skills and in most cases your skill will increase as well.

3. Encouragement – getting positive feedback from someone who has skills in the  area you want to improve.   Using positive affirmations to help bolster your belief that you can do better are useful as well.   The children’s program Bob the Builder says,  “Can we build it? Yes we can!” Can we ChaCha? Yes we can!

4. Imagery – imagine what the completed result will look like.   This is something that sports figures use to create a positive outcome by first doing the routine in the mind before actually doing the event.   Gymnasts walk-thru their routine mentally imagining each move being perfectly executed.

5. Transferral – transform fear into excitement.   The brain doesn’t interpret the difference between fear and excitement in terms of experience.   The fear sensation is the same as high excitement and people think they are experiencing fear when what they are feeling is excited.   A person who is about to speak before a large group says they are fearful and often it is excitement that they feel.

6. Physical management – manage the tension in your muscles and relax rather than get more tense as you are about to do something new.   Confidence comes with repeated success and with that people can relax.   Performing in big events, sports, appearing in front of large audiences can for the first time create physical sensations that decrease performance.  Practice the mental imagery of success to bring down the tension of that big performance.

Confidence is often tested in big events, like Mountain Biking downhill at high speeds.   The skill it takes to go full on and full-out on technically difficult courses requires a high degree of confidence.

Would you be willing to try a high-speed descent on two wheels?