Have you ever found yourself in a conversation, perhaps a heated conversation and using words that only seem to add fuel to the fire? It happens often and there is a way to help reduce the force of the words.
It takes a shift of position, a shift in the language and the reference you are using. Notice I used “you” in that sentence, and that alone may cause some negative feelings.
The shift in the language that could take place is this:
Frame the issue,
When you ____________________________ (do something that is disagrees with your values)
I feel ________________________________(describe the feeling – upset, angry, …)
Because _____________________________ (why do you feel that way)
What does that do for the other person? Does it help them see why you may be upset with the issue? Does it change the plane of reference – a shift from them to “you”.
Often heated conversations are about transferring blame without transferring understanding. Will the format used above help inform the listener of the issue without transferring blame?