Tag Archives: I am not good enough

Living with the shame of “I am not good enough”

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”  Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Give that title of the post some thought.   What is the one thing that has stopped you from living out your life fully?    Is it the inability to admit that you failed or that you could fail?   Is it not being good enough and the fear of letting someone down is paralyzing?

Vulnerability is a key ingredient for trust.   Trust in organizations hides because there isn’t a culture of vulnerability and why should there be vulnerability when you can’t be vulnerable.  We stop short of being vulnerable because we fear what would happen if we were and even if we have permission there is a silent voice in our mind saying “Don’t say another word”  and we hesitate and withdraw our voice and our contribution.    “What if I am not good enough?” and that is what holds so many people at bay.

It is no wonder that 85% of people desire to do something other than what they are currently being paid to do.   What would happen if everyone raised their voice and said, “This isn’t the right job for me … “.    They won’t say it because they don’t have something better to go to and fear holds them back chained to work that sucks the life out of them.     “Who am I … “, and that voice kills innovation, kills creativity, kills excitement and kills contribution, “who am I” to have a voice, to have an idea, to have a dream and to make a difference.

It comes across as “who am I to have a purpose”.    The question “what is your purpose?” most often has a response of “I don’t know.”     Living without purpose  is like being a robot just “doing things” and hoping something good will come of it.   Purpose is the foundation for living a meaningful life.    What crumbles that foundation is the inability to be vulnerable to admit failure, to admit that it wasn’t perfect the first time and to believe that there was fault behind that failure that belonged to you.

Take a look at this video clip from Brene’  Brown, listen to her story, her explanation of what vulnerability is and isn’t and what shame is and how it leads down a path of personal destruction.

So much of what coaching is, is restoring that faith in the person that they are worthy of great things because they have greatness inside.   That greatness has been swallowed up in shame and that keeps vulnerability from doing its work, bringing you to greatness.

Take a look!

And if the video spoke to you or if the words on this page spoke to you then … click on that purple thing just below these words … and vote for your favorite coaching blog.

going confidently

“The kind of commitment I find among the best performers across virtually every field is a single-minded passion for what they do,
an unwavering desire for excellence  in the way they think and the way they work.  Genuine confidence is what launches you out of bed in the morning,
and through your day with a spring in your step.” Jim Collins

CONFIDENCE

The lack of confidence may be the number one roadblock for achieving the success you desire.   Sometimes it feels like a lack of motivation, lack of energy or a lack of desire, but digging a bit deeper it turns out there is usually a lack of confidence that is stopping success.

Lack of personal confidence may look like:

1. I am not good enough
2. I am not loved
3. My job is terrible
4. I weigh too much
5. My life is a mess
6. I should get organized
7. I need to exercise
8. Everyone hates me

The lack of confidence shows up most often as victim talk.  What is being said is often filled with “should”, “ought”, “need”, “have to”,”not”, “can’t”,”could”, “would”, or words that point back to another source outside of you.

A victim is controlled by the environment, a confident person controls the environment with their actions and words.

Some people are more susceptible to creating an internal world that doesn’t allow them to feel confident.   People with ADHD/ADD tend to see themselves in a negative light.   People who have received very little positive feedback feel that they are not “good enough”.   People who have lived in abusive situations, especially where they thought they were the cause of the abuse think less of themselves.

In most cases the lack of confidence isn’t true for the individual.  Thomas Edison fought through failure after failure before he reached the formula that led to a light bulb  that worked well.    Abraham Lincoln faced many setbacks in his career and yet he pushed forward always picking himself up after each defeat.  Confidence.

Of course if it was easy to go from unconfident to confident in 15 minutes everyone would be very confident.    Self-help books have all the information for someone who desires to become more confident achieve results yet less than 3% of people make lasting change through self-help books.  One reason for that is it takes more than words in a book to affect change.    It takes a sincere desire and a plan that includes some level of weekly accountability.

Lack of confidence isn’t about ability.  Most people are capable and able but they don’t believe that they are capable and everything they hear from others confirms to them they aren’t able.   This is the case of seeing what we are looking for(negative confirmation) and instead of seeing what we have accomplished we focus on what we haven’t been able to do.   If we make two steps forward and slip back one we conclude that we are a failure.   Is that really the case?

Take any high level athlete and watch them perform, they make the sport that they are in look easy.   What we don’t see is the many failures, the many times that they have  fallen and picked themselves up and continued on.

What can you do to build confidence?

1. Think positively about yourself
2. Take charge of your emotions (own them)
3. Believe you are capable
4. Practice, get up and practice some more.
5. Encourage someone (build others up)
6. Be aware of your emotions
7. Take compliments and be thankful for them
8.  Take criticisms and learn from them (what is it really about?)

In many cases it is the lack of confidence that inhibits people from taking the very actions they desire.   Make today the day that you will push through the barriers.

Henry Thoreau said, Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”, so why not start now.   Start taking the actions you need to take to move towards your dreams.

 

If you struggle with being accountable and achieving the goals you desire perhaps having a coach would help you reach your intended goal.

Make today the day you will go confidently into your world.

Ego less to live more

What is the one thing that is stopping you from reaching your desired goals in life?

For many the “ego” is what holds people back from realizing what they want most.   The ego holds people captive of the “I” syndrome, the idea that “I” matter more than anything else, that “I” am the center of the universe, and that the universe revolves around what “I” want.

The ego cripples dreams, desires, hopes and the results people so much want out of life.   The stories of “mega-stars” in the business or sports world all too often splash across the headlines with another story of a roar to the top and the subsequent slide to the bottom.

The power isn’t in how big the ego is, but in how powerful your ability to create opportunities with the intention of serving others becomes.  The drive is creating for others rather than creating for self.   The ego responds to fear, the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of being powerless in a world overcome by power and the feeling that “I am not good enough” and reacts to protect the weakness within.

Where is your ego?

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still”

Lao Tzu