Tag Archives: Patrick Lencioni

Living with the shame of “I am not good enough”

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”  Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Give that title of the post some thought.   What is the one thing that has stopped you from living out your life fully?    Is it the inability to admit that you failed or that you could fail?   Is it not being good enough and the fear of letting someone down is paralyzing?

Vulnerability is a key ingredient for trust.   Trust in organizations hides because there isn’t a culture of vulnerability and why should there be vulnerability when you can’t be vulnerable.  We stop short of being vulnerable because we fear what would happen if we were and even if we have permission there is a silent voice in our mind saying “Don’t say another word”  and we hesitate and withdraw our voice and our contribution.    “What if I am not good enough?” and that is what holds so many people at bay.

It is no wonder that 85% of people desire to do something other than what they are currently being paid to do.   What would happen if everyone raised their voice and said, “This isn’t the right job for me … “.    They won’t say it because they don’t have something better to go to and fear holds them back chained to work that sucks the life out of them.     “Who am I … “, and that voice kills innovation, kills creativity, kills excitement and kills contribution, “who am I” to have a voice, to have an idea, to have a dream and to make a difference.

It comes across as “who am I to have a purpose”.    The question “what is your purpose?” most often has a response of “I don’t know.”     Living without purpose  is like being a robot just “doing things” and hoping something good will come of it.   Purpose is the foundation for living a meaningful life.    What crumbles that foundation is the inability to be vulnerable to admit failure, to admit that it wasn’t perfect the first time and to believe that there was fault behind that failure that belonged to you.

Take a look at this video clip from Brene’  Brown, listen to her story, her explanation of what vulnerability is and isn’t and what shame is and how it leads down a path of personal destruction.

So much of what coaching is, is restoring that faith in the person that they are worthy of great things because they have greatness inside.   That greatness has been swallowed up in shame and that keeps vulnerability from doing its work, bringing you to greatness.

Take a look!

And if the video spoke to you or if the words on this page spoke to you then … click on that purple thing just below these words … and vote for your favorite coaching blog.

trust

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”
Frank Crane

Trust sits at the foundation of relationships.   Relationships are the core of all that we do in life.   All of life is based on relationships and at the base of those relationships is trust.   Without trust there isn’t really a relationship.

Without trust a relationship is just a group of people interacting.   With trust a relationship is about a team and teamwork and receiving the best of what the team has to offer.

Without trust people hold back, they don’t put in their full selves into their work, their relationships, their marriage, their friends or anything for that matter.   It is a well known fact that people don’t put their full effort into the work they do, they hold back for many reasons and one of the big reasons is trust.    Why say what you really believe if that belief is going to be ridiculed or worse.   Why become vulnerable if you know that the other person, the other side has no interest in what you have to say.

It takes strength of character to trust and to trust authentically.   Being vulnerable and sharing something that exposes a weakness can be used as a weapon if there isn’t trust, trust that information shared is not used in a negative way.   In other words when people judge others trust is eroded.   People want to feel safe in a relationship and if they share their deepest fears or secrets they want those fears to be kept private and not to be judged by their fears.

If organizations cultivated trust and allowed people to express themselves freely those organizations could experience greater participation, greater productivity, and better results.    Cultures that use retribution or intimidation to manage people would have to radically change.   Leaders would have to start leading and express their fears and vulnerabilities before trust could trickle down through all levels of the organization.   High performing cultures have recognized that trust is an essential ingredient for success.

What is the level of trust in the organization you work for?

What is the level of trust in your closest relationship?

What would need to change?